A Look at Human Nature, in Emails

Here is a look at some of the emails I received this week:

1.) Why are people so stupid?

WATz UR PROBL3M!!!! IM TAWKIN BOUT UR STORY ON MIL3Y CYRUS' N NICK JONAS' S3X TAP3, WHO 3XACTLY IZ UR SORC3 N "L3T KIDz B KIDz"!!!! R U NUTz!!!!
I SORTA KNO MIL3Y N NICK P3RSONALY
MIL3Y: MY UNCLEz ST3P BROTH3Rz N3IC3 WR0T3 TH3 SOUND CH3CK OF BOTH OF H3R ALBUMz N SL3PT OV3R A COUPL3 OF TIM3z
NICK:MY DADz FRIEND Iz TH3R3 BODY GUARD N H3 W3NT ON TOUR WITH TH3M
NOW I DONT THINK SH3z A SLUT 3ITH3R BUT MY F33LINGz CHANG3D W3N I H3ARD ABOUT THIS!!!
JUST 2 L3T U KNO IM CALLING MIL3Y RIGHT NOW TA G3T TH3 R3AL STORY. N ID LIK3 2 KNO HOW U SAW IT? ...
I L3FT H3R A M3SSAG3 CUz SH3 WUz @ A CHARITY 3V3NT
BUT IM CALLING JO3 CUZ I KNO H3 K33Pz HIS PHON3 ON BUT
PLZ WRIT3 BACK

Um, did I somehow miss the memo where all "E"s were replaced with "3"s? What is the tech spelling of "illiterate"?

Oh, and $T0P $CR3@M!NG @T M3 U R0B0T!!!!

2.) Why are smart people so pretentious?

How can I miss you when we have never met? I wish we lived closer. If I actually believed in such a thing being possible, I would say we were linked in an immaterial way. I really believe that being around people that are better than you, intellectually or artistically or whatever, makes you a better person. Not to sound like a complete ass (when was the last time *you* respected anyone, anyway?) but I don't get much opportunity to be in that position..

Bunch of leeches around me, syphoning off my personality and ideas. It's hard to grow as a person when everyone around you is doing that... ugh. So, I miss you. I miss you Jessica, with Shakespearean magnitude not found by the common pleb. I miss you.

Had a rough week. :-) Hope your world is better.

Aww, that one would almost be sweet if it wasn't trying so hard. And how are you going to try to sound so impressive and then misspell siphoning and plebe? Just askin'.

3.) Why are foreign "friends" always trying to sell me something?

Hi Jebbica... This is Jeff, I think you are confused. Well I got your profile from Digg. com.. where I also the cool customer of Digg and this http://digg. com/users/13above is my profile on Digg. Now I have something to say it's quite interesting you know ...Well at first I would say that am popular in myspace just for a one software which I usual use. It is Hellofriendz.. look for (www. hellofriendz. com)this url for more information but in short I like to say that it a type of myspace plays increaser software in which you'll get free 10000 hits without installing the software .... So it's quite ineresting but quite efficient and can make you popular in just one night... So what do you think please reply me I'll waiting for you ... Thanks and take care...

Hi Jeff, I really love it when someone introduces themselves by telling me I am confused. Did I really give it away that easily? I thought I had the whole "Yeah I know who the hell you are" look SOLD! Oh well. I'm not buying anything.

4.) Why are people so bitchy?

*This isn't really an email, but I have been getting nasty letters every day for the past month. From the Evil Landlady Demon. She won't talk to me. Won't even come onto my floor to deliver the letter! She just stands on the second floor, reaches up to the third floor and throws the letter and hopes I get it. Because, you know. I'm SOOOO dangerous. I might cut a bitch.

5.) Why are people so awesome?

I have lots of emails to prove this point, but since I actually like these people, I should probably protect their privacy so they'll keep liking me. Because if they stop liking me, I'm going to have to befriend Person #1.